Wait...

Yesterday, our two week wait ended. Yesterday I wrote "you could have fooled me". But looking back, I think I wasn't fooled. My period started in the middle of the night, and by the time I was having some retail therapy in the afternoon, I was having some serious cramps. I know that for many of you (especially with endometriosis) cramps are unfortunately normal when having your period and even if you're not. For me, it's very uncommon. I remember having cramps when I first got my period at age 11, 12, but I never had them since I started taking birth control pills. And luckily, they didn't come back when I stopped 1 1/2 years ago. The only cramping I experienced was after our fresh IVF/ICSI-cycle, which ended in a chemical pregnancy. (By the way, I hate that term. To me it sounds like "make-believe" pregnancy, like it didn't really happen). The fact that I spent my evening hugging a hot water bottle (or actually a cherry pit pillow) strengthens my belief that this one did implant. I wish there was a way of knowing, but I guess it's to late to ask for a blood test and does it really matter anyway...

I waited a day to call the clinic. Don't really know why. Maybe because if I had called yesterday I would have cried to hard to be able to speak. Today was ok. My favorite nurse answered the phone (she is super sweet and we share our first name!) and she was very sympathetic. She noted in our file that I think little embryo did implant, not that it makes any difference, but still. We're going to have a telephone consult mid May to discuss the new plan, and she gave us "priority" when we start again - because it's a small clinic, it sometimes happens that too many couples want to start a cycle and you'll have to wait a month - after that you're priority, so it's never more than one month. But we'll be in as soon as we call next time.

So now we wait. And hope that my periods will align nicely with our honeymoon, so that when we come back we'll be able to start right away. That is my biggest fear - that AF will visit right before we get back, and that the next time she does, MeneerHaan will be on holiday around retrieval day (he's going with his friends for a week begin August). I know it's silly to worry about that now, because one shorter or one longer cycle could change everything.

But wait a minute...We could try and conceive naturally! MeneerHaan came up with this and he is totally right. The concept of conceiving through s-e-x is so alien to me that it never even crossed my mind. All I thought was "now we won't have a chance for at least 3 months". But that's not true. We have a chance each month. And I'm going to use that stash of OPK's!

Of course, the chances of it actually working are slim. I even think that the chance of conceiving naturally is smaller than winning the lottery.

That is why we bought a load of lottery tickets as well. Wait and see!

You could have fooled me

You could have fooled me.

But maybe that's what infertility does to us anyway. It fools us. It makes us crazy paranoid people. People that will worry about their boyfriends underwear, how much caffeine they drink, when they need to stop taking certain pain killers. People that eat pineapple cores for implantation and are scared to do pregnancy tests on Wednesdays because they had a BFN on a Wednesday. People that frantically consult Dr. Google about cramps and pains and symptoms. People that ask each other what CD today is and that know what you mean if you are 5dp4dt FET.

Infertility has fooled me. So far my intuition had not abandoned me. Our fresh cycle I "knew" that it would work but it wouldn't be a baby. The night before we tested a negative, I had a very bad feeling and cried, like I hadn't really done at all that cycle. I had a bad feeling about our first frozen embryo transfer - it was canceled. And I knew that after this one, we would not have frosties left. But that last one was also mathematics, really. So I can't take all the credit.
I have not said these things out loud. To afraid I would jinx anything. But looking back, I kinda sorta knew.

Before we did this FET MeneerHaan and I said to each other that we didn't think it would work with this batch of frozen ones. They were too slow, even in the days after retrieval. No wonder the first attempt got canceled. The embryos were good looking, but not the fastest. Hence our surprise when one was not just good, but even ahead of schedule. The lab tech and our fertility doctor were optimistic. And then, so were we.

Transfer was Friday, and Monday I had some unusual cramping/pressing feelings in my lower belly. I thought that very well could be implantation / my uterus. Second halve of the week I got increasingly tired, also unusual. Whenever I was tired, I got queasy, even to a point of gagging (sorry for the TMI). Also not common. Then I found Countdowntopregnancy (WARNING!!! Infertiles click link at own risk!). I started to think very cautiously that these could be symptoms. I wasn't feeling like myself and I didn't think I could blame that all on my nerves, as I wasn't thát nervous. You could have fooled me, but I was starting to feel hopeful. This might actually work!

I tried to fool infertility.

Because my positive feeling left me yesterday, and I got anxious again. Not like the come and go worries of earlier this week, but really a dark feeling. I tried to ignore it, actually saying out loud that I had still faith in our little embryo and I would NOT let the crazies get to me. I forced to smile, but a smile had never felt so weird on my face. I remember wondering if this was, like writers say, "a smile that didn't reach the eyes" (I was in the shower, so I couldn't check ;-)). It was the weirdest feeling, like my cheeks were forced into an unnatural position. But I smiled nonetheless, and I made MeneerHaan tell me he had faith too and then I concocted us a healthy smoothie because embryo and I needed the vitamins.

We went to bed early, I had an (I think unrelated) headache. In the middle of the night I woke and stumbled to the bathroom, had some (safe!) painkillers and then I noticed the spotting. Which by now has turned into a true, unmistakable, genuine visit from the red witch.

And now we wait again. We have to sit out at least three months. Partly because of our wedding, and of course I'm very excited about that. But for now, I haz a sad. Infertility sucks.

Welcome on board

Welcome on board, little embryo,


I hope you like this new environment! It's especially made for you, and all natural! No artificial additives!
I suspect it's way better than that dark cold freezer you've been in for a couple of months. And also much better than that hard petriedish they put you in to wake up. Much more privacy in here, nice and warm and lots of soft places for you to hide in. No one bothering you to check you out and take pictures (at least, not for some time that is).


I'm sad you're siblings didn't make it. We would have loved to give them a chance in this new home. Now you'll have to do the honors and we're very happy with you already. Especially since you we're such a good egg, ahead of schedule on day 4.


Welcome on board, little embryo. We hope you'll stay for another 8-9 months. 

Hoe gaat het met de 101 doelen?

Hoe gaat het ondertussen met de 101 doelen? 

Doel 5: Aanmelden als bloeddonor

Ik heb me aangemeld, de bloedtesten gedaan. Maar nu ik in India ben geweest mag ik een jaar niet doneren. Wel plasma, dus daar moet ik me nog even in verdiepen. Toch beschouw ik deze als afgevinkt: de eerste stap is immers gezet!

Doel 40: 3 kilo afvallen

Met doel 40 gaat het niet zo goed. Er waren wat kilo's af, maar door de IVF, het emo-eten, de feestdagen en India zaten die er allemaal nu weer aan. Zelfs de Delhi-belly heeft daar niet geholpen. Toen de terugplaatsing van onze frostie niet doorging had ik nog wat extra tijd, en een paar dagen griep en wat maagproblemen hebben weer een flinke zet in de juiste richting gegegeven.

Doel 42: Een grote / wereldstad bezoeken waar ik nog niet eerder ben geweest

Delhi, met z'n ruim 22 miljoen inwoners, telt wel, toch? ;-)

Doel 67: Bespaardingen regelen die Yunoo of iemand anders adviseert

Ik heb het niet helemaal van Yunoo gehaald, maar we hebben wel wat bespaardingen geregeld. Ander telefoonabonnement, verzekeringen samengevoegd, dat soort dingen. Het scheelt nog geen honderden euro’s, maar alle beetjes helpen nietwaar? Deze beschouw ik echter nog niet als voldaan, ik denk dat er meer inzit (tips welkom hoor!).

Doel 69: 5 keer naar een theatervoorstelling gaan

Er is er een afgevinkt: ik ben naar Midzomernachtdroom van het Nationale Toneel geweest. Die kans presenteerde zichzelf, een vriendin had een kaartje over omdat, ironisch genoeg, degene met wie ze zou gaan druk was met IF-issues. One down, maar ik moet zelf ook nog wel wat voorstellingen zoeken!

Doel 99: Mijn hele werk-inbox legen

Die is leeg! In principe iedere dag, niet meegerekend afgelopen week (maar toen was ik ziek). Nu moet ik daar eerlijk bij vertellen dat ik gesmokkeld heb, want er staat nog een ‘truckload’ aan mail in de map “oude inbox”. Maar volgens mij mag dat best volgens de “elke dag je inbox leeg”- goeroe’s!

Conclusie: 

Er is op verschillende fronten wel wat gebeurd, maar het zet nog niet echt zoden aan de dijk. Tijd om eens echt aan de slag te gaan met deze doelen!

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February 18, 2012

This weekend I was going to be PUPO and happy and hopeful. The worries would come later.
How different it turned out. On Monday my dad needed to be hopitalized again. After cancer, several surgeries and almost a year of chemo, his kidney (he only has one) was not functioning properly. Being nervous for FET and with Fiancee not feeling well I didn't go to visit him.  Tuesday Fiance got genuinly sick, with high fever. My dread of going to have the FET alone soon was taken away, as the IVF-lab tech informed us that our embryo looked good at first, but didn't start to grow after it was defrosted. They gave it the benefit of the doubt but another 24 hours later (wednesdaymorning), it was a definite no. Later that day I had to tell my sister that our father was in the hospital again. We didn't tell her as she was on vacation, and she was not pleased at all we didn't inform her. Rightly so, I confess. That night I started to feel feverish, and the next day the flu got me too. But with 2 sick people in the house the one feeling "best" is the one who has to take care of the other. You guess who that was. Because of the flu and fever I couln't visit my dad and mom, who started to worry more because no diagnosis or answers had come.

What a week.

It seems like I finally mastered my yoga exercise, where you need to focus only on your breathing. If your thoughts stray, just acknowledge that, don't feel bad about it and return to your breathing. I just breathe and don't think about or feel anything. All of this happening and I refuse to take it in. Just numbness. Just breathing.

Good chance this is going to bite me in the tail. I suspect I'm inches away from a meltdown. Just one trigger and everything will come out - that's got to be ugly.

But for now, I feel like my feelings are in a page cannot be found. They are somewhere out there, but can not be reached.

Maybe an hour after I wrote this (but before I could post it), a silly fight with Fiance was the trigger and despite my efforts not to give in, the meltdown came. I didn't get all off my chest, but a lot and indeed it was ugly. We both yelled a bit (never done that before) and slammed a door or two and after that, we had a good and emotional talk. It was good to let some of it out.

It's a few weeks later now and my head and heart have not yet fully recovered. But that's for another post.