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February 18, 2012

This weekend I was going to be PUPO and happy and hopeful. The worries would come later.
How different it turned out. On Monday my dad needed to be hopitalized again. After cancer, several surgeries and almost a year of chemo, his kidney (he only has one) was not functioning properly. Being nervous for FET and with Fiancee not feeling well I didn't go to visit him.  Tuesday Fiance got genuinly sick, with high fever. My dread of going to have the FET alone soon was taken away, as the IVF-lab tech informed us that our embryo looked good at first, but didn't start to grow after it was defrosted. They gave it the benefit of the doubt but another 24 hours later (wednesdaymorning), it was a definite no. Later that day I had to tell my sister that our father was in the hospital again. We didn't tell her as she was on vacation, and she was not pleased at all we didn't inform her. Rightly so, I confess. That night I started to feel feverish, and the next day the flu got me too. But with 2 sick people in the house the one feeling "best" is the one who has to take care of the other. You guess who that was. Because of the flu and fever I couln't visit my dad and mom, who started to worry more because no diagnosis or answers had come.

What a week.

It seems like I finally mastered my yoga exercise, where you need to focus only on your breathing. If your thoughts stray, just acknowledge that, don't feel bad about it and return to your breathing. I just breathe and don't think about or feel anything. All of this happening and I refuse to take it in. Just numbness. Just breathing.

Good chance this is going to bite me in the tail. I suspect I'm inches away from a meltdown. Just one trigger and everything will come out - that's got to be ugly.

But for now, I feel like my feelings are in a page cannot be found. They are somewhere out there, but can not be reached.

Maybe an hour after I wrote this (but before I could post it), a silly fight with Fiance was the trigger and despite my efforts not to give in, the meltdown came. I didn't get all off my chest, but a lot and indeed it was ugly. We both yelled a bit (never done that before) and slammed a door or two and after that, we had a good and emotional talk. It was good to let some of it out.

It's a few weeks later now and my head and heart have not yet fully recovered. But that's for another post.