You could have fooled me.
But maybe that's what infertility does to us anyway. It fools us. It makes us crazy paranoid people. People that will worry about their boyfriends underwear, how much caffeine they drink, when they need to stop taking certain pain killers. People that eat pineapple cores for implantation and are scared to do pregnancy tests on Wednesdays because they had a BFN on a Wednesday. People that frantically consult Dr. Google about cramps and pains and symptoms. People that ask each other what CD today is and that know what you mean if you are 5dp4dt FET.
Infertility has fooled me. So far my intuition had not abandoned me. Our fresh cycle I "knew" that it would work but it wouldn't be a baby. The night before we tested a negative, I had a very bad feeling and cried, like I hadn't really done at all that cycle. I had a bad feeling about our first frozen embryo transfer - it was canceled. And I knew that after this one, we would not have frosties left. But that last one was also mathematics, really. So I can't take all the credit.
I have not said these things out loud. To afraid I would jinx anything. But looking back, I kinda sorta knew.
Before we did this FET MeneerHaan and I said to each other that we didn't think it would work with this batch of frozen ones. They were too slow, even in the days after retrieval. No wonder the first attempt got canceled. The embryos were good looking, but not the fastest. Hence our surprise when
one was not just good, but even ahead of schedule. The lab tech and our fertility doctor were optimistic. And then, so were we.
Transfer was Friday, and Monday I had some unusual cramping/pressing feelings in my lower belly. I thought that very well could be implantation / my uterus. Second halve of the week I got increasingly tired, also unusual. Whenever I was tired, I got queasy, even to a point of gagging (sorry for the TMI). Also not common. Then I found
Countdowntopregnancy (WARNING!!! Infertiles click link at own risk!). I started to think very cautiously that these could be symptoms. I wasn't feeling like myself and I didn't think I could blame that all on my nerves, as I wasn't thát nervous. You could have fooled me, but I was starting to feel hopeful. This might actually work!
I tried to fool infertility.
Because my positive feeling left me yesterday, and I got anxious again. Not like the come and go worries of earlier this week, but really a dark feeling. I tried to ignore it, actually saying out loud that I had still faith in our little embryo and I would NOT let the crazies get to me. I forced to smile, but a smile had never felt so weird on my face. I remember wondering if this was, like writers say, "a smile that didn't reach the eyes" (I was in the shower, so I couldn't check ;-)). It was the weirdest feeling, like my cheeks were forced into an unnatural position. But I smiled nonetheless, and I made MeneerHaan tell me he had faith too and then I concocted us a healthy smoothie because embryo and I needed the vitamins.
We went to bed early, I had an (I think unrelated) headache. In the middle of the night I woke and stumbled to the bathroom, had some (safe!) painkillers and then I noticed the spotting. Which by now has turned into a true, unmistakable, genuine visit from the red witch.
And now we wait again. We have to sit out at least three months. Partly because of our wedding, and of course I'm very excited about that. But for now, I haz a sad. Infertility sucks.
But wait a minute...We could try and conceive naturally! MeneerHaan came up with this and he is totally right. The concept of conceiving through s-e-x is so alien to me that it never even crossed my mind. All I thought was "now we won't have a chance for at least 3 months". But that's not true. We have a chance each month. And I'm going to use that stash of OPK's!
